A key factor as to how we communicate is our attitude, comprising of life experiences and our beliefs about those life experiences. Whatever assumptions or judgements we may have made about someone we need to acknowledge these and put to one side.
Famed Psychologist Carol Rogers wrote that there are three important factors or core conditions apply to help us achieve a caring attitude:
- Empathy
- Unconditional Positive Regard
- Congruence (Being Genuine)
Empathy
- Trying to see the world through the other person’s eyes
- Making efforts to imagine their feelings and thoughts
- Demonstrating this through what we say and do
When a person realises he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’ – Carl Rogers
Unconditional Positive Regard
- Having respect for the person’s perspective
- Being non judgemental
- Demonstrating this through what we say and do
True empathy is always free of any evaluative or diagnostic quality. This comes across to the recipient with some surprise. ‘If I am not being judged, perhaps I am not so evil or abnormal as I have thought.’ – Carl Rogers
Congruence (Being Genuine)
- Communicating & interacting ‘as a person’
- Trying to understand the person’s predicament
- Being transparent
- Being honest and clear in communications and interactions
- Not making assumptions about a person
When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity, then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another. – Carl Rogers
Add all of these elements together and we can begin to, “walk a mile in another person’s shoes”.
Another way of thinking about this is to have a naïve curiosity about someone. If we take these attitudes we will naturally begin to communicate in a manner that feels trustworthy and safe.